Bad Calls

These are...
Photo by Robin Kanouse.

It wasn't going to be long before this blog touched on perhaps what is the bane of my existence: referees. There is so much to be said about the notorious act of the bad call, both in example and solution, that it seems misplaced to focus on it too intently. Fuckwits are simply that and do not merit too much consideration, unfortunately so many of them seem to find their way into the refereeing and/or umpiring occupation (maybe there should be an additional category for umpires, say, asshats as opposed to fuckwits).

Alien-People Sex

On June 4th... GERBIL PEOPLE!
Photo by Martin Rodriguez.

I choose such a ridiculous title for today's observations in a sort of smart-ass backlash to their subject, observations concerning the so-called "sci-fi-horror-thriller" splice. With such a ballsy amalgamation of genres you would think some obscure yet relevant, varied yet honed film would be produced, especially when you got the potential of an Adrien Brody lead. But, throw in some other no-names, a screenplay by the same guy that wrote Cube (a good flick, but nothing more than a classier Canadian Saw), and a bit too many screenings of the Species quadrilogy, and this smorgasborg of fuck-all is what you get.

The Wonders of the World

The Smithsonian Castle, a nice slice of the epicness of the area surrounding it.
Photo by Andinarvaez.

I have to apologize for my extended absence, I had some pressing family matters to attend to which were quite nice but meant a week of dealing with the hellhole that is traveling in the modern United States. While I was making this trip due to very important family commitments, it also happened to coincide with my birthday, a coincidence that I was going to take full advantage of.

Habitual Failure Pt. 2: Fuck, Jamarcus Russell

Ah, it's been a bit of time since I've been able to write about this subject, examining the fuckhole that is Ryan Leaf's life really took it out of me. However, there are sports douches to be berated, so I must return to my ever noble profession of emotionally decapitating these bastards. On we go, then.

Jamarcus Russell, with standard glazed look of stupidity.
Photo by Brit.

If you are an observant reader, you might have noticed the (perhaps misplaced?) punctuation between Fuck and Jamarcus (and the only thing that gets in between those two concepts is usually just Jamarcus' fat ass). This simple comma denotes much more than its banality implies. I would say simply Fuck Jamarcus Russell, but that really wouldn't depict the great deal of hope I had for him at the beginning of his career. My family's from Louisiana, so, that gave me an excuse to root for them (and you need everyone you can get in the fuckfest that is Bowl season), and I saw a bunch of L-State's games, but the notable one in my mind, of course, being the '07 Sugar Bowl. He was a beast with a Manning-esque laser rocket cannon of an arm, before draft day I could already see him chucking 60 yard bombs to drag the Oakland Raiders out of a Davis-fueled coma.

Brad Neely: This Guy is Funny as Fuck!

Brad Neely, in front of a mysterious plant.
Photo by bobafred.

There are many things from my days in middle school I would gladly leave behind: the pre-jock bullies, the straight up primadonnas, the hellish social atmosphere, the inability to do anything except sit inside and play video games (...maybe that wasn't so bad), and just the general depressing douchebaggery inherent in all middle-schoolers. However, there was one gleaming moment of cultural production that just sings to me from that time in my life, like some fucked up nine-year-old parakeet, singing to me "Wizard People! WIZARD PEOPLE!"

For those of you unfortunate enough to not know the instant nostalgic ramifications of this phrase, let me enlighten you. "Wizard People, Dear Reader!" was a shortly popular but intensely hilarious comedic romp through the land of spoof and parody, taking a much more comfortable viewpoint with the Harry Potter mythos than perhaps most were comfortable with. Created by web-comic artiste Brad Neely in 2004, this comedic masterpiece is simply Neely's narration, on two discs, which are played in sync with the film "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone", using the base plot movements but completely changing the characters and their actions into ideas so much more worthy than some piddling JK Rowling book about emotional preteen wizards.

Hellraiser: The Engineer

Horror and hedonist hallmark Clive Barker published his novella entitled "The Hellbound Heart" in November of 1986 as a part of the masterful horror anthology Night Visions. However, this work was far too prolific to be confined to the pages of a mere anthology, spawning itself into a horror franchise so absolutely in touch with the darkest parts of human suffering and eroticism that is takes a sort of magnanimous position to all other horror which precedes and follows it.

The Cenobites, on what is just a lovely VHS
cover. Photo by Jesper Wiking.

What I am speaking of with this perhaps wordy introduction is the well-known film series Hellraiser, the first of which was directed by Barker, the rest of which passed through the hands of numerous B to Z list directors. However, even when the production of the sequels was questionable, the pure power of the base story has provided each subsequent film with the ever seductive intonation of the first, the deep fulfillment promised by a world of pure torture. The characters of the Cenobites, the primary hellish force facing the protagonists of these films, and their General of Sadomasochism, horror all-star Pinhead, are creatures which touch the very base fabric of what human fright is based on, as well as the deeper and more mysterious points of human desire. A sadomasochistic feeling envelopes each film in a particular way, though always intriguing, bringing to question the viewers comfortableness with such "sights" as the ritual skinning of man, the penetration of chain into flesh, the sundering of man into a quivering beast of ecstatic pain.

Habitual Failure Pt.1: Fuck Ryan Leaf

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