Brad Neely: This Guy is Funny as Fuck!

Brad Neely, in front of a mysterious plant.
Photo by bobafred.

There are many things from my days in middle school I would gladly leave behind: the pre-jock bullies, the straight up primadonnas, the hellish social atmosphere, the inability to do anything except sit inside and play video games (...maybe that wasn't so bad), and just the general depressing douchebaggery inherent in all middle-schoolers. However, there was one gleaming moment of cultural production that just sings to me from that time in my life, like some fucked up nine-year-old parakeet, singing to me "Wizard People! WIZARD PEOPLE!"

For those of you unfortunate enough to not know the instant nostalgic ramifications of this phrase, let me enlighten you. "Wizard People, Dear Reader!" was a shortly popular but intensely hilarious comedic romp through the land of spoof and parody, taking a much more comfortable viewpoint with the Harry Potter mythos than perhaps most were comfortable with. Created by web-comic artiste Brad Neely in 2004, this comedic masterpiece is simply Neely's narration, on two discs, which are played in sync with the film "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone", using the base plot movements but completely changing the characters and their actions into ideas so much more worthy than some piddling JK Rowling book about emotional preteen wizards.

The very beginning of this idea is rooted in the genius of satire that seems to be linked to one of those fantastic moments where you are drunk and funny. Neely and friends were at a bar observing a lonely gentleman playing pool by himself with a sweatshirt and headphones on. They then surmised as to what the man must be listening to so intently, which someone had suggested was a Harry Potter book on tape, and voila, the Wizard People style was born.

Neely, again, so you don't fucking forget who
you have to hug when you see him in the streets.
Photo by David Fisher.

Harry Potter himself becomes HP, or Master P, depending on the moment, and this name change brings with it a truly fucking gut-busting personality change where Harry knows the full scope of his power and must resist using them at any given moment to shred his enemies in twain, which he does with the "oil of Olivier" according to Neely's bombastic narration. My personal favorite moment of description comes when Neely opts to characterize Harry and Ron (affectionately referred to as Ronnie the Effing Bear) as "badass new gods."

Perhaps bombastic is not the word, as Neely's narrative character seems to be the classic whimpering fanboy, bolstered by his love of the story to moments of ecstatic revery when recalling HP's pure badassery. His various exuberant declarations bring the observer into a much more personal bond with the work, a very plebeian but relatable "Oh Fuck!" or "Holy Fucking Shit!" However, it is truly when descriptive elements come into play, specifically in the naming of people and places, that this narrator's true majestic poetry makes its appearance. Let me list some of the more entertaining changes in the narration:

Hermione becomes The Wretched Harmony.
Dumbledore becomes Dumbledore the Near Dead.
McGonagall becomes Hardcastle McCormick.
Neville becomes Upfish Sinclair.
Dudley becomes Roast Beefy O'Weefy.
And my personal favorite, Uncle Vernon faces a barrage of pork-based names such as Saltporker, Gigglesnort, and Porkstar.

A common Wizard People viewing, complete with fat guys
and a generally blurry existence. Photo by Abby Armada.

These comedic ramblings only become further enmeshed with each other as the story goes on, lending credence to the poetic mind behind such abstractions. Hell, this stuff was appreciated so much Neely was approached to do it live and did such several times before Warner Bros. slammed their iron fist down, fucking pricks that they are.

Maybe it's just the kid in me that hates Harry Potter because the bastard looks so much like me, and maybe it's the kid in me that would much rather have spent my time getting a head start on Vonnegut and Dick instead of pretentious crap like Harry Potter and the Whatever of Whatever, but this shit is really, really fucking funny. It takes all those Harry Potter douchebags that were waiting in line for hours for some silly book and puts them in their place, showing them what their precious mythos is really worth, some laughs for a jackass like me at their expense.

If you haven't experienced this excelsior phenomenon, download the tracks here and find or download a copy of the film, and I guarantee you, you will not regret it. (Unless you're some stuck up Potter-purist, in which case, you can fuck the fuck off.)

http://www.illegal-art.org/video/wizard.html