Habitual Failure Pt. 2: Fuck, Jamarcus Russell

Ah, it's been a bit of time since I've been able to write about this subject, examining the fuckhole that is Ryan Leaf's life really took it out of me. However, there are sports douches to be berated, so I must return to my ever noble profession of emotionally decapitating these bastards. On we go, then.

Jamarcus Russell, with standard glazed look of stupidity.
Photo by Brit.

If you are an observant reader, you might have noticed the (perhaps misplaced?) punctuation between Fuck and Jamarcus (and the only thing that gets in between those two concepts is usually just Jamarcus' fat ass). This simple comma denotes much more than its banality implies. I would say simply Fuck Jamarcus Russell, but that really wouldn't depict the great deal of hope I had for him at the beginning of his career. My family's from Louisiana, so, that gave me an excuse to root for them (and you need everyone you can get in the fuckfest that is Bowl season), and I saw a bunch of L-State's games, but the notable one in my mind, of course, being the '07 Sugar Bowl. He was a beast with a Manning-esque laser rocket cannon of an arm, before draft day I could already see him chucking 60 yard bombs to drag the Oakland Raiders out of a Davis-fueled coma.

However, this was not to be. He got drafted number one by the Raiders, beating out Brady Quinn as he had in the Sugar Bowl months earlier. That was about the peak of his NFL career. Jamarcus must have had some god awful advice, because when your only real NFL-ready skill is chucking it, you better get a fucking assload of preseason training and preparation in, especially as a number one pick. Instead, Jamarcus acted like he was some old pro, already in a position to screw over the Raiders, and appropriately bufu'd them like an old pro would, squeezing them for a 6 year, 68 million dollar contract (with a mere 31.5 million guaranteed).

And this was followed by... the first Raider's Superbowl appearance since the 2002 season? No. A first Raider's playoff appearance since 2002? No. A winning season? No. Jamarcus Russell spent his three years with the Raiders dicking around. He even had Lane Kiffin trying to actually mold him into a player as opposed to a throwing machine, citing David Carr as the way he didn't want to train Jamarcus, bringing him in slowly and surely. My God, that is genius, treat a rookie like a rookie, who the fuck knew! Unfortunately, Al Davis was there to wield his drunken power and completely shit on the Raiders once again (I could and probably will write an article on how Al Davis is the Crypt Keeper of the NFL and can go suck a fat old dick, but that is for another time) and fired Kiffin for not leading the incredibly shitty team Davis had put together to a winning season. Oh well, here comes Tom Cable, degenerate meathead whose offensive schemes simply involve jamming Justin Fargas into the defensive line like a virgin who can seem to find the hole.

Jamarcus about to fuck something up. Photo by Woody.

At least that was some pressure off Russell, notorious for a seeming lack of effort and a complete lack of caring for the game of football. But this relief wasn't much, the expectations were still there, and the one coach who may have been able to ease him successfully into the game of football was canned, though I'm sure Jamarcus didn't even comprehend the screwed-ness of his situation. He just kept on with keeping on, reaching the absolutely stellar NFL career numbers of 18 TDs, 23 interceptions, 4,083 passing yards as well as a mind-blowing QB rating of 65. Well, maybe not MIND-blowing, but that rating sure is blowing something else!

How did this happen? How did one of my favorite prospects I have analyzed in my young football fandom career end up being such a stupid fucking douchfart? This reason, ladies and gentleman, is the one reason why Jamarcus Russell is worse than Ryan Leaf, despite the "better" stats, and this reason is that JAMARCUS IS A FUCKING LAZY, UNINSPIRED, STUPID PIECE OF ANIMAL EXCREMENT. Sorry, I know all caps is a sin, but I felt I couldn't get across the true meaning of this article across unless I posited it as a warning, the kind you might find scrawled in blood at the open mouth of a dark and foreboding cave. All children should learn the tale of Jamarcus, a very cautionary one it is, about how not be a failure, not just in football, but in life generally.

Jamarcus, again, though this time dancing around like
a puppy that's pissing himself. Photo by Sgrace.

Jamarcus simply doesn't care about football or success, hell, he couldn't even cash in on his contract hold-out and is already selling his Oakland Hills mansion. He eventually got booted from the Raiders (wow, Al, great job, buddy!) after scouts continually described him as "annually overweight". Overweight. Annually. Like he was the fucking harvest season of fat-asses. This continued into his illustrious free agent career, where he was rumored to have showed up for training camps at a staggering 300 pounds. They even considered him for offensive line. That's right, number one drafted QB, moved to the offensive line. Wow.

He is most known in the league for bringing the sports world's attention to Sizzurp, Purple Drank, what have you. This little concoction earned him a stay with John Lucas, legendary NBA and sports good guy who got off drugs himself to have a stellar career as a sportsman and as a person. Lucas got Darryl Strawberry off crack, so in my mind, he's pretty much the guy you want in your corner if shits going down. And shit was going down for Jamarcus, so down, that Lucas wasn't down, and reportedly frustrated with Jamarcus' lack of work ethic, asked him not only to leave his program but also the Houston-area said program was based in. Ouch.

So, in summary, when I have little kiddies and want to teach them how to be good people, hard workers, ethical persons who carry out their responsibilities with a gusto for success and accomplishment, I will present Jamarcus Russell as everything that is wrong with a person. Failing does not make you a bad person, but not even trying while exploiting thousands of fans is, and while Ryan Leaf might be the annual douche, Jamarcus Russell will be something much worse to sports fans, for a lot longer of a time.

Just so we can end on a happy note, here's the best Halloween costume ever.
Photo by Dave Coustan.