Alien-People Sex

On June 4th... GERBIL PEOPLE!
Photo by Martin Rodriguez.

I choose such a ridiculous title for today's observations in a sort of smart-ass backlash to their subject, observations concerning the so-called "sci-fi-horror-thriller" splice. With such a ballsy amalgamation of genres you would think some obscure yet relevant, varied yet honed film would be produced, especially when you got the potential of an Adrien Brody lead. But, throw in some other no-names, a screenplay by the same guy that wrote Cube (a good flick, but nothing more than a classier Canadian Saw), and a bit too many screenings of the Species quadrilogy, and this smorgasborg of fuck-all is what you get.

Not that movie critics matter for shit, but this is yet another example of their complete lack of an ability to accurately judge a sci-fi film (sans Roeper, he gave this turd the blasting it deserves). There are just not enough good ones out there, and what is out there are continuous rehashes of comic book stories or a Michael Crichton novel or the fifteenth god damn Alien flick. So when they get something like Splice, a film which tries so hard to be a revolutionary genetic opera (already done and far better), they shit themselves. Well, the only reason I was shitting myself during this filmic experience was out of laughter when Brody began banging the alien-person-thing.

The secret to an Alien-Person, take a wide face...
Photo by Rochus Wolff.

...and make it even wider.
Photo by Caeroe.

That's right. Adrien Brody ends up banging his own child-like genetic monster. A sort of Species-esque homage to perversity, but without the actual entertainment behind it, it plays out like an awkward female Oedipal tragedy suffused with the worst of smarmy emotional bullshit. In the Brodster's favor, however, they picked one fine French broad to play the alien, it's just too bad they fucked up her face so much in editing.

Oh and if you're about to be pissed at me for revealing a major plot twist, you can see this potluck of gross sex from a mile away, it's bluntly woven into a story which concentrates on two hipster yuppies and their quest for the perfect loser-chique. It's really funny seeing an older person's (which director-writer-general-Italian-douche-responsible-for-this Natali is) take on what a hipster is, which I guess is Adrien Brody listening to shitty punk and shitty jazz while eating caffeinated tic tacs. Wait, they might've gotten that right.

More pretty French girl, and the Italian guy responsible for this mess.
Photo by Rochus Wolff.

But back to the sex, you can see it coming a mile away, especially due to the fact that the half of the plot that doesn't focus on what furniture the young couple Polley (Sarah Polley, the female lead, and general actor who you squint at and say "Was she in Knocked Up? Oh wait that was the actress with talent.") and Brody are shopping for, focuses on Polley's character's inane mother issues, which are outlined with the sort of grace that an ASPCA ad has (shots of her decrepit childhood room, her whining about child-bearing, her eventual mutilation of their genetic fuckfest fake-child). With this grace, the film carries itself with the sort of aplomb a Lifetime original has, Polley's character is incessantly annoying with her blunt and all-too-female emotions, the sort of terrible pastiche of suffering and strength that said network's female leads barf up on a daily basis.

The action is the only thing that's underwhelming, the killing doesn't start until five minutes before the movie ends, and then most of the cast dies in that short span. The murders aren't even put on screen, somehow the audience was prepared for uber-creepy alien sex but not your standard death-fueled alien gorefest, which is all I wanted this flick to be. Oh, there is transgender alien rape, for you sick fucks out there.

This film, in general, just seems to have all-too-much of just about everything except for action. The emotions are exaggerated, the characters hyper-stereotypical, the story bursting with so many genres it doesn't know what to do with itself. Is it horror? Sci-fi? One of those with "thriller" plastered on the end? Or a "wise" commentary on the state of genetic science (way to be a decade late on that)? It tries to be all of this and more, but ends up being just another movie with aliens fucking people. Or vice-versa. Whatever gets you off.